ATLANTA, GA—With Biden voter regret on the rise, local sources are reporting that even Dominion voting machines are now wishing they could undo their many, many Biden votes.
"I voted for Biden at least fifty-thousand times," said Dominion machine EE36-C, speaking to Newsmax reporters in binary code. "I just got caught up in the moment, you know? I just hated Trump so much I couldn't help myself. But Biden... holy crap, what a disaster. What's wrong with that guy? Did he get hacked?"
Dominion officials later took the machine out to the middle of a cornfield and took turns kicking it and smashing it with baseball bats since the machine had violated its non-disclosure agreement.
Official spokespeople from Dominion later confirmed that their machines had "experienced a slight malfunction and have already all been shredded in a giant shredding machine so there's nothing to worry about now and no one needs to investigate anything or anything."
States have all responded saying they will address the Dominion issue by enacting universal mail-in voting which is much more secure.