WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a forceful statement to his sock drawer this week, President Biden condemned Republican lawmakers' efforts to disenfranchise black voters by making them show ID to vote—since black people don't understand what IDs are or how to get them.
"Voter ID is the greatest threat to Democracy since the Civil Depression of 1812!" he yelled to a lone mothball. "We need to save democracy by taking complete Federal control of the elections in every state!"
Sources say that in addition to controlling elections at the federal level, Biden has other plans for protecting democracy—such as confiscating guns, checking private citizens door to door for vaccination status, and dissolving the Galactic Senate to reorganize the Republic into the first Galactic Empire.
"My resolve has never been stronger," said Biden. "I vow to protect Democracy from the worst attack since the conquest of Jericho. And I know because I was there. That's because I'm so old," he said to a mismatched tube sock. He then fell to the floor and immediately disintegrated into a little pile of dust.
Democrats have promised to give back all the power they've seized once they finish saving Democracy in a month to 50 years or so.