We combed through every team name in Major League Baseball and came up with something to be offended by. Time to be better. You're welcome.
Atlanta Braves - Bravery is offensive and reckless-- especially during a pandemic. Baseball isn't brave. Do you know what's brave? Wearing a mask.
Miami Marlins - As always, marlins get all the attention while squid and tuna populations remain marginalized and invisible.
New York Mets - The proper present-tense form is "meets."
Philadelphia Phillies - The Liberty Bell logo has to go. It's the current year, for goodness' sake.
Washington Nationals - Nationals sounds an awful lot like "white nationalists" to us.
Chicago Cubs - Bears are noble creatures and have NOT given their consent to be your mascot.
Cincinnati Reds - Red is the color of MAGA hats.
Milwaukee Brewers - Offensive to those struggling with alcohol addiction-- or gluten intolerance.
Pittsburgh Pirates - Stealing music is not OK. You wouldn't download a car, would you?
St. Louis Cardinals - Offensive to those oppressed by the Catholic Church.
Arizona Diamondbacks - Snakes are triggering to many archaeology professors.
Colorado Rockies - Rocky Balboa was an Italian-American immigrant who worked hard and became successful—which plays into right-wing tropes about "picking yourself up by your bootstraps." Not ok.
Los Angeles Dodgers - Trump was a draft dodger and to think that a team would name themselves after him is frankly disgusting.
San Diego Padres - Gendered and Catholic. Just like in baseball, two strikes and you're out.
San Francisco Giants - Offensive to the differently heighted.
Baltimore Orioles - The name's OK but the team is pretty offensive to the idea of baseball in general.
Boston Red Sox - No one needs yet another reason to hate the Red Sox.
New York Yankees - No one needs yet another reason to hate the Yankees.
Tampa Bay Rays - Florida.
Toronto Blue Jays - Blue is a reference to the police, which should be defunded. #DefundTheBlueJays
Chicago White Sox - White socks worn with sandals are offensive to the human race.
Cleveland Guardians - Appropriates the culture of the Guardians of the Galaxy, an oppressed group of illegal aliens.
Detroit Tigers - "Tiger" is the catchphrase of Sagat, an oppressed Thai MMA fighter.
Kansas City Royals - Not offensive, just reminds us of that annoying Lorde song.
Minnesota Twins - Twins evokes the number "two," a painful reminder of the gender binary.
Houston Astros - We don't need to be honoring space travel when there are plenty of problems on earth to worry about.
Los Angeles Angels - Offensive to atheists.
Oakland Athletics - Offensive to couch potatoes.
Seattle Mariners - Offensive to old sailors ranting to random wedding guests about their wild sea voyages.
Texas Rangers - Texas? REEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Now go jeer at your local baseball team while you eat a $12 hot dog! That'll show 'em!