How do we have a bright future? Innovation. When I was a kid, I looked forward to a future of jet packs and space rockets. And we knew we would have it because every day we were innovating and building new things. And it didn’t matter what was going on. While I was stuck in a jungle in Vietnam fighting Commies, we landed a man on the moon. We could do anything (except to convince those politicians in Washington to let us win that war).
So what happened in the fifty years since then? Do we have our flying cars? Do we have our Mars colony? Oh no, what we have instead is a new iPhone that looks just the same as last year’s iPhone. And we have new ways to yell and get angry at each other over long distances.
Something happened to innovation. And I’ll tell you what. It was feminism.
Now, I know what you’re going to say: “Frank hates women.” Well, that’s not true. I love women. They’re pretty and they smell nice. And it’s just a scientific fact that God used evolution to make women especially good at making sandwiches. Ask any male scientist about this (but make sure no lady scientist is around or he’ll get an earful).
But feminism tells women they don’t need to use their natural sandwich-making ability to help out men. Instead, they need to become CEOs, firemen, and MMA fighters. And where does that leave men?
Think of what happens when a man tries to innovate these days. A guy will almost have figured out how to build a warp engine, but suddenly he’s hungry. Can he ask a woman to make him a sandwich? No, that’s “misogynistic.” So now he has to make the sandwich himself. But does he even have the ingredients? So now he has to go to the store. And when he gets back, he has to fumble around because he just doesn’t have a woman’s natural sandwich-making ability. And by the time he’s finished eating that unsatisfactory sandwich, he’s already forgotten his great idea. So he just gives up and instead makes another scheduling app for the iPhone or something.
So you see? We need to restore the natural order of things. We need to free women from oppressive feminism and get them back to what they love doing: making men sandwiches. And then men will again have the time and energy to innovate so we will once again have a future of robots fighting with lasers in space. And with that bright future ahead we’ll no longer worry about silly things like it getting a few degrees hotter in the next fifty years. Who cares? We’ll be on Mars.
And let’s get this fixed soon; I’m hungry.