PORTLAND, OR—According to sources close to the Larson household, Steve, the family's non-menstruating partner, wished Carrie, the family's menstruating partner, an early happy birthing person's day this evening.
"Greetings, menstruating partner, and may you have a satisfactory birthing person's day this year!" Larson said as he gave her a gift of roses and chocolate, traditional presents for the ovary-possessing partner in a relationship. "May you bear many more offspring of indeterminate gender, as is your primary function in this relationship between two or more homo sapiens!"
"Also, I am feeling emotions of fondness, but they are simply random chemical reactions in my brain approximating the abstract and imaginary concept of 'love,' honey!" he added romantically. He then rubbed her shoulders for several moments before his hands got tired.
The non-menstruator was puzzled, however, when his technically accurate and non-offensive terminology failed to woo his menstruating partner and she went to bed without returning his affections in a romantic manner.
Larson also said he is hoping to receive a new set of golf clubs for non-birthing person's day coming up in June.