STEELE CITY, NE—Placing a Russian Ushanka fur hat on his balding head, 51-year old former Keystone XL Pipeline worker Allen Brokeson excitedly danced a little Russian jig he had been practicing. He was preparing for a weeks-long voyage via shipping container to the Baltic Sea, rail car to Moscow, then yak-drawn wagon to the employment office of the company overseeing construction of the Nord Stream 2 Pipeline from Russia to Germany. “I need a job, and President Biden has paved an obstacle-free path for me to find work doing something I love: connecting pipes for untouchable oligarchs.”
CNN praised Biden’s move to lift Russian sanctions and allow pipeline construction to continue, as ‘2D Chess,’ citing the growing need for American jobs, and emphasizing the economically disastrous decision to shutter construction of the Keystone XL Pipeline by racist former president Donald Trump.
When asked by journalists about this noble effort to bring jobs to working-class Americans, Biden recounted a joke about how the U.S.S.R. used to ram pipelines right through starving villages. When no journalists responded to his side-bursting quip—besides a New York Times reporter who laughed hysterically—Biden chastised them for being dullards.
At press time, Allen Brokeson had said goodbye to his family and joined a crowd of other workers sneaking into a shipping container filled with bags of cash labeled, “Burisma Holdings.”