From the Wildly Inaccurate Dianny News Service: In a Rose Garden event this morning, President Biden, along with Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer, announced that Congress would work to pass a series of “common sense speech reforms” known as The Brevity Act.
“Americans agree that common sense speech reforms are needed,” Speaker Nancy Pelosi explained “There is just too much speech going on in America. The founders never intended speech to be unrestricted. You can’t cry ‘theater’ in a crowded fire.”
Included in the Brevity Act are limits on speech with high-capacity word counts.
“If you can’t make your point in a few words, then maybe your point isn’t valid,” said Majority Leader Schumer. “Nobody needs hundreds of words when a dozen will suffice.”
In order to gain access to the First Amendment, citizens must apply for a “Credentialed Speech Permit.” These permits would not be issued until the applicant submits to a universal background check, pays the two thousand dollar fee, and receives training in equity and Critical Race Theory.
“Now, you have to understand that even with a ‘Credentialed Speech Permit,’ there will be limits to how much speech you are allowed to have,” explained Vice President Harris.
“But the good news is,” Harris added with a boisterous cackle, “laughter is allowed whether you have a permit or not! CACKLE*CACKLE*CACKLE! But not if you’re making fun of Jill Biden’s clothes!”
Vice President Harris then went on to describe her contribution to the Brevity Act — the need to make access to speech equitable.
“When speech is unrestricted,” VP Harris explained, “it is people of color who are hardest hit. It is time to level the playing field.”
The Equity Amendment to the Brevity Act calls for twenty persons of color to receive a Credentialed Speech Permit for every white person who obtains one.
“And unlike the privileged white person,” Harris went on,” the people of color will not have to undergo a background check or equity training. And the fee for their permits will be paid by the white person in question.”
“We have too much speech going on, folks,” President Biden said, “and it’s dividing our country. Why do we need all these news blogs and websites? News belongs only in the hands of credentialed reporters. In the hands of those untrained, speech can be a dangerous, dangerous weapon. Look, folks. No amendment to the Constitution is absolute. You don’t get due process if you’re a college guy accused of rape. And you sure don’t get to talk or write as much as you want either. You know, it says in the Melinda Warning . . . the Maria Warning . . . the Miranda Water . . . you know, the thing police say . . . it says that you have the right to be silent. Silence is a right, folks. It’s a right. And the Brevity Act, folks. The Brevity Act reaffirms this. Silence is a right. You know, when I got arrested in South Africa, they don’t have the Mandela Warning there in South Carolinefrica . . . Africa. So nobody told me I had the right to be silent. But it is a right, folks. It is. No malarkey. Silence is a right. And nobody needs total access to speech. Speaking isn’t silence. And silence is a right. And why do you have to go on and on like a broken record? Limiting word-count, it doesn’t violate the First Commandment. Nobody needs that kind of thing. They just don’t. If you can’t say what you mean in a few words . . . if you go one and on . . . you probably don’t know what you’re talking about. I can’t stand it when people go on and on like that. It’s annoying folks. No joke. It’s one of the most annoying things . . . look, it’s simple. Talking endlessly or writing really long . . . if you can tweet in less than two hundred and eighty words . . . I mean, two hundred and thousand . . . what’s the Twitter limit? Two hundred and eighty of those . . . well, if you can tweet in that, you can follow this law. It’s not hard folks. Not hard at all.”
The Brevity Act does come with specific exemptions. The limits on high-word counts will not apply to “legitimate reporters,” Democrat politicians, Hollywood celebrities, and of course Dr. Anthony Fauci.
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