WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to anonymous sources, Biden was seen wandering the White House grounds this morning, desperately looking for President Obama.
"Barack! Barack! Where are ya, you ol' devil?" Biden yelled as he shuffled through the hallways in his bathrobe and slippers. "You can't hide from me, I know all the best hiding spots around here, you know that! Barack? Helloooo?"
After several minutes of fruitless searching, Biden got more agitated and uncooperative, aides say. At one point he bumped into Kamala Harris and asked for her help. "Michelle! Where's your husband Michelle? I need him real quick. Important meeting."
Amid increased calls for Democrats to show some humanity and help Biden step down and live out his remaining years peacefully, Press Secretary Jen Psaki said to the press: "Statements by these anonymous sources are completely false. The President is in perfect health and also has a fully functional brain."
"Also, there is no crisis at the border," she added. "But if there is, it's totally Trump's fault. No further questions at this time."