WASHINGTON, D.C.—In what many are calling a concerning sign, CDC Director Rochelle Walensky gave a calm, rational, science-driven pandemic update yesterday, all while holding a sign reading "The End Is Near."
"I'm sorry, Dr. Walensky -- should we be concerned? You're holding a sign that suggests impending doom," said one reporter.
But Walensky reassured the press that everything is fine and that science will save us.
"We must follow the science and remain calm. Also, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE, RUN FOR THE HILLS!" she screamed. "FIRE! BRIMSTONE! DEATH! IT'S COMING FOR ALL OF US!"
"Finally," she continued after calming down, "we'd like to encourage everyone to continue to wear an average of 2.5 masks whenever you must go out, which should be rare. Additionally, DEATH IS FAST APPROACHING EACH ONE OF US AND THERE IS NO ESCAPE! EMBRACE YOUR DOOM!!!"
Dr. Walensky then pulled out several scientific tools to support her hypothesis of impending doom, from tea leaves and a crystal ball to a deck of tarot cards. She drew the top card of the deck: "IT'S DEATH!" she cried. "THE CARDS HAVE SPOKEN! WE CANNOT RUN FROM OUR FATE!"
"THE APOCALYPSE IS NIGH! SAVE YOURSELVES!!!"
The CDC Director then lit her hair on fire and ran outside and threw herself off a cliff. The media quickly praised her and the Biden administration for their calm, reassuring demeanor.