WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a move hailed as "beautiful" and "compassionate," President Biden has signed an executive order mandating that all migrant children being held in cages at the border be offered free gender reassignment surgery.
The press cheered, tears streaming down their faces, as Biden's feeble hand signed the order. "Finally," wept Huffington Post reporter Christina Wilkie, "at long last, we have real compassion and leadership in the White House."
"It's high time these Mexican trans kids got the hormone blockers and various amputations they need," said Biden in a statement. "They've been waiting for equality in those cages long enough, and we're gonna deliver it straight to 'em. They won't even have to leave the cages. That's good service!"
Authorities say that starting today, social workers at the border will be administering hormone therapy to all kids under the age of 18, just to make sure they don't miss anyone. Children will be given the chance to opt-out of the treatment once their citizenship paperwork goes through and they learn perfect English.
Biden has promised that they will soon be getting rid of the cages at the border as well. In a statement, he said: "We're gonna transition the kids out of Trump's cruel cages and into compassionate chain-link movement restriction cubes!"