WASHINGTON, DC—In a development no one saw coming, Dr. Anthony Fauci has again changed his recommendation about what to do with masks by consulting his tested and proven "Wheel of SCIENCE."
“Now I know it confuses people when the science changes so quickly, as if we are just making all this up as we go along,” explained Dr. Fauci from his bunker full of neckties. “That’s why I developed this handy 'Wheel of SCIENCE' for us to spin every morning, so people can really see that this isn’t just me saying whatever pops into my head!"
"Now-- let's give this puppy a spin!" he exclaimed as he gave the wheel a mighty turn.
“What will it be today, gang?” asked a giddy Dr. Fauci. "'Masks Cause Bladder Cancer?' 'Eating Dirt Prevents Halitosis?' hmmm..."
The dial slowed, clicking just past "Cover Your Kids With Grocery Bags" and finally came to rest on: "Attach A Live Octopus Directly To Your Face."
“There it is, folks! Science has proven that the best way to prevent COVID transmission is to affix a live octopus directly over your mouth, nose, and probably eyes. I’ve been keeping this little guy here for this very moment,” said Dr. Fauci, reaching into an aquarium and plastering the surprised sea creature’s tentacles directly onto his face.
“AAAA!!! AAA!!! THE—mmrghh—INK!! AAA!!!” screamed Dr. Fauci as he thrashed on the floor. The journalists watching on Zoom stared in shock, then went straight to work spreading the news of Dr. Fauci’s latest advice to the masses.
The government media channel dedicated a segment to the updated recommendation, complete with each CNN anchor hand-selecting their own octopus. After some hilarious banter about how bad other people are, Don Lemon and Chris Cuomo slapped on their respective octopi and promptly collapsed on the floor into heaps of screams and ink.
Still, being the professional mouthpieces that they are, they managed to garble out, “THIS IS—AGHH!—WORKING PERFECTLY!! DON’T KILL GRANDMA!!!”