Some people only double-mask. These people want grandma to die. Others triple-mask. These people only kind of want grandma to die. But you are a good and virtuous citizen, so you came to this article to find out how you can be even more righteous than those lame double-maskers and triple-maskers. Here are seven great ways you can stay safe, brought to you by SCIENCE!
1. Wear 749 masks. This is literally 746 times safer than triple-masking. We did the math. It's SCIENCE.
2. Tie a plastic bag around your head. Now, the virus has no host it can infect because you are no longer breathing, because you are now dead. SCIENCE!
3. Bury your head in the ground like an ostrich. Take a cue from nature, and also SCIENCE. Ostriches have been doing this for thousands of years and as far as we know, none of them have contracted Coronavirus. Experts say it works even better if you flap your arms and squawk.
4. Get attacked by an Alien Facehugger. According to SCIENCE, Facehuggers are almost impossible to remove once attached and their looks will scare everyone away, helping you with social distancing. If anyone tries to get within 6 feet of you, you can fling alien acid-blood at them. In addition, acting as a host for a Xenomorph means you will never have to worry about getting the virus!
5. Cover your entire head in Flex Tape. There is an almost infinite number of uses for Flex Tape, and scientists have used SCIENCE to discover that it forms an impenetrable seal over your nose and mouth. Only $19.95!
6. Figure out how to turn your head inside out and retract it into your body like a turtle. This takes a lot of practice, but Shaolin monks and Mitch McConnell insist it can be done. Try it today-- for SCIENCE.
7. Lock yourself in your home until you're isolated, unemployed, sick, anxious, and severely depressed, in hopes that the virus goes away someday.
There you have it. Grandma will now live forever.