WASHINGTON, DC—In a shocking upset, President Trump brought Biden's transition to a screeching halt after revealing he has obtained the legendary Darksaber. According to lore, the Darksaber gives Trump all rights of kingship over America, which can only be taken from him through ritual combat.
"This is it. Democracy is over," wept Brian Stelter during a segment of his smash-hit news show Reliable Sources. "Is there no one with the courage to step up and face this evil monster and his awesome lightsaber? I would face Trump, but I have to wash my hair tonight, otherwise, I would totally fight him."
According to legend, the Darksaber was crafted by President George Washington at the dawn of America's founding. In unearthed writings from the founding father, he said: "We used the saber to unify the people and strike down those who would oppose us. I drove out the redcoats and smote their ruin upon the battlefield wielding this blade. Anyone who wields it shall be automatically president forever until a worthy challenger can take it from him."
"I'll take that dumb sword away from him!" exclaimed Biden. "I defeated Corn Pop and I can defeat this clown!" Biden lept from his easy chair to get his shoes on, but he tripped on the little wood transition between the carpet and the kitchen floor and broke his hip.
Trump has vowed to retain the Darksaber until he is ready to pass it down to America's next king, Donald Trump Jr.