WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a brilliant move to swing the election his way again, Trump announced he has annexed Greenland and has granted it 271 electoral votes-- more than enough to deliver him the victory in the 2020 election.
"Greenland... beautiful Greenland... they would be nothing without the United States. So I annexed them," said Trump to OAN reporters. "I can do that. If Sleepy Joe and the corrupt Democrats can steal an election, I can annex a country! I win!"
Although Greenland has a population of only 56,000 people, roughly the size of a Midwestern town, Trump's legal scholars claim they have been granted "bonus electoral votes" to make up for all the time when they didn't get to vote in US elections.
When confronted with the fact that nobody in Greenland was able to vote in the recent election, Trump quickly produced a thumb drive from a Dominion voting machine showing he had received 183% of the vote in the previously autonomous territory. He then appointed a Greenland election official to quickly certify the vote before anyone could argue about it and ruin the whole thing.
To thank Greenland citizens for their great American patriotism, Trump announced he will build a brand new golf course there.
Nice try, Sleepy Joe!