WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Trump surprised everyone today when he announced he will not appoint a new justice to fill the Supreme Court seat previously held by the late Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Instead, to save the time that a lengthy confirmation process would take, he’s simply giving Justice Clarence Thomas two votes now.
“He’s a great and brilliant Justice,” Trump told the press. “So instead of trying to find another person just like him, he can now have two seats. I checked the Constitution, and nowhere in there does it say I can’t do that. Incidentally, it also doesn’t say a dog can’t be on the Supreme Court. Hey! Maybe Air Bud can do it! Is Air Bud real? Of course, he's real, right?”
Justice Thomas, in addition to having two votes on each decision, will also get twice the pay. And he now has two chairs, which means that during hearings he can use the second seat to put his feet up. “It’s pretty sweet,” Thomas told reporters.