ALBANY, NY—New York, which boasts the highest number of Coronavirus deaths and the most available nursing home space in the country, is making some important changes to its COVID statistics. By order of Governor Cuomo, all virus deaths will now be classified as "death by Trump."
"President Trump has done a terrible job managing this crisis," said Cuomo while stretching yellow tape across the doors of Shady Heritage Retirement Home. "And I'm not just saying that because I did a terrible job or I want Biden to win the election. If it weren't for Trump, no one would have died in New York. I'm 100% sure of that."
In addition to changing the statistics, the New York County DA will be pursuing charges against the entire Trump family holding them responsible for every death to ever occur in the state since America declared independence from Great Britain.
In a speech given to a lone tumbleweed in Times Square, Cuomo vowed to not rest until Donald Trump is brought to justice.