WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a spirit of generosity and fairness, President Trump has offered to clean out the White House basement just in case Joe Biden wins.
"In the spirit of goodwill that I am known for, I'll make sure the basement is all cleaned out and ready for Joe," Trump said as he clicked on the overhead light in the White House basement. Several lizard-like creatures scurried away out of the light as he turned it on. "Boy, it's dusty in here. Hey, look, a Game Boy!" Trump was then distracted for several hours playing an old copy of Earthworm Jim.
The basement was full of tons of clutter, from nuclear bombs and old Obama Hope posters to past-due bills for the country's massive credit debt. Trump did manage to work his way through some of the mess, but then he got distracted again, this time by a fidget spinner.
"Hey, Pence, bet you I can spin it for longer than you!" he said.
At publishing time, the always-generous Trump had also offered to install a stairlift for the elderly presidential candidate.