U.S.—The party that claims to represent minorities, the poor, the oppressed, and the marginalized has nominated an old, rich, white man and a cop, sources confirmed Tuesday.
"If you want to fight for oppressed minority groups, you must vote for this rich, old, white man who authored the 1994 crime bill and this corrupt police officer who has made a career out of throwing minorities in jail for non-violent drug crimes," said a DNC spokesperson. "It's the only way to fight the establishment."
According to sources at the DNC, the old white guy you're supposed to vote for, in order to show that you love and respect women, has been accused of inappropriate sexual behavior by several women.
"Several photos circulating on the internet demonstrate proof-positive that Joe Biden loves women and children very much," wrote Snopes, the internet's premiere fact-checkers.
Campaign analysts believe that the cop bolsters the old, rich, white man's bid to become President by bringing some much-needed group identity politics, along with her newfound stances on decriminalizing many crimes she formerly prosecuted and defunding much of the police, in a year in which being an old, white man and anti-crime is seen as a hindrance.
“Look, he has even nominated a woman of color to be his Vice President like a true champion for the poor and oppressed would,” reported Brian Stelter of CNN. "Just use your eyes and see: there is only one party in this country for people who care about the downtrodden."
“Now I can go back on Charlamagne tha God’s program and show him Kamala,” mused Biden to some suddenly panicked staffers.
At publishing time, the DNC was airing ads in flyover country about how the cop they've nominated once called herself the "top cop" of California, threatened to arrest parents of truant students, and tried to keep prisoners in jail as long as possible in order to use them for cheap labor, while simultaneously airing ads on the coasts and big cities featuring clips from her interview in which she bragged about how much pot she smoked because she is part Jamaican.