WILMINGTON, DE—Joe Biden conceded today that the Republican Convention was "alright," "pretty inspiring, to be honest," and "a real gas."
But Biden says the Democratic Convention is going to be "even better."
"Just you wait -- our convention is going to blow this one out of the water," he said to a department store mannequin. "Man alive, I tell you what: we're gonna have fireworks and flags and all kinds of stuff. That nice, clean, articulate woman of color is gonna be there: what's her name again? It's like the same name as some wrassler: Hulk? Hogan! That's it, Hogan. She's a real swell broad."
It was unclear how Biden got into the department store, as it's been out of business since 2013. Aides located him after putting out an Amber Alert and coaxed him into a windowless van by writing "FREE HAIR" on the side. They were then able to transport him safely back to the basement for storage until the election.