KEYSTONE, SD—As protests against statues across the country escalate and talk turns toward tearing down Mount Rushmore, President Trump has authorized the use of the monument's laser eyes.
The laser eyes security defense feature was installed in the mountain by Richard Nixon as an anti-Communist measure in the early 1970s, and now it's finally being deployed against Communists as was its original intent.
"Tear it down! Tear it do---AHHHHHHH!!!!" screamed protesters as George Washington's eyes suddenly began glowing red. "Run!!!"
"USE OF LASER EYES AUTHORIZED. DESTROY ALL COMMIES," said the carving of Washington as his head slowly turned and he began firing powerful laser blasts at the crowd.
"DEATH IS A PREFERABLE ALTERNATIVE TO COMMUNISM," boomed Abraham Lincoln's robotic voice as his targeting system centered in on a 35-year-old protester from Portland named Raynee Meadows.
"YOU'VE THROWN YOUR LAST MILKSHAKE, SOY BOY," intoned a gruff Teddy Roosevelt, while Thomas Jefferson said, "THE TREE OF LIBERTY MUST BE REFRESHED WITH YOUR BLOOD!"
The protesters quickly dispersed and found a nearby statue of the Fonz to go after instead.