NEW ORLEANS, LA—In an unprecedented display of public contrition, New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees set a new record over the weekend for apologies by an NFL quarterback, saying he was sorry 742 times in the space of 48 hours.
After controversially stating his personal preference for standing during the National Anthem, the Super Bowl MVP unleashed a heretofore unseen sequence of remorse, explaining that he meant to say people should kneel, or should not not kneel, or should not tell others not to not kneel. He then apologized for not being aware of the things he should apologize for, and he apologized for not being aware that he was not aware of those things.
“The calls for an apology were being screeched from all sides, and Drew responded like the future Hall of Famer he is,” one commentator gushed. “This was a prodigious run of penance. Most impressive was the variety of atonement Brees displayed. Audio, video, texts, social media posts, Zoom calls, written statements- we’ve never seen such a complete and well-rounded exhibition of self-reproach from a quarterback. This record may never be broken.”
According to league statisticians, Brees shattered the previous record held by Jets QB Mark Sanchez, who apologized 380 times for introducing the term “butt fumble” into sports vernacular.