Comrade Lightfoot explains why the Chicago Ministry of COVID Compliance needed to cancel the days-off for all police officers, and extend all shifts to 12 hrs per day.
According to the Chicago Mayor, the city will be deploying “Social Distancing Ambassadors” to help citizens accept their social responsibility. The monitors will assist the public remaining disengaged from human contact as the Ministry begins permitting citizens to exit the confines of their homes. Drone enforcement could likely assist.
No word on the specifics, but Chicago scientists have apparently identified a hybrid form of the virus that will attack outdoor residents who enter a six foot danger-zone in proximity to another person. The ministry has determined Blue state residents are safe at distances exceeding 6 feet. However, inside that zone, at 4 or 5 feet or less, the virus creates a rapid death spiral and attacks with increased ferocity. It is currently unknown why the proximity strain of the virus responds differently in Red states.
Blue State proximity infection is dangerous. Unless, of course, the proximity variable is influenced by the third factor of vegetables or groceries; which have been identified as generating a safe zone as outlined in local supermarkets. As a consequence, jogging without groceries requires the proximity police, aka “Social Distancing Ambassadors.”
According to city officials, these new exterior compliance officers should help reduce the influx of residents currently jogging in grocery stores. Remember, we are all in this together; and to prove how critical this is to the fabric of our society, we must all stay apart.
The COVID-19 virus seems incapable of keeping up with the speed of passenger vehicles, buses, airplanes and trains. However, once you exit your COVID compliant transportation, the Blue State virus can swoop down and attack you if you are in the proximity of a open-space park or beach.
The Ministry appreciates our compliance in avoiding the dangerous virus freedom zones; and is thankful for compliant citizens who do not question the complex data analysis that goes into regional scientific tracking systems.
The Red State rebel alliance has noted the specifically random viral targeting appears much more prevalent in the regions where people formerly wore genitalia on their heads. However, despite the obvious correlation, there is not enough conclusive scientific data assembled to quantify the merit of this claim. Confirmation efforts remain ongoing.
The Unified Blue State Ministry would like to remind you the greatest danger is the type of purchasing you make. Large box retailers with dense populations are safe-spaces. Smaller business with less density are hazards; and houses of religious worship are death traps due to their propensity to promote the most critically dangerous activity of all, fellowship.
