MICHIGAN—Governor Gretchen Whitmer was in for a big surprise this morning when she woke up and found her armies surrounded by Donald Trump and a special forces squad that had rowed across the Great Lakes in the middle of the night to take her by surprise.
Trump dressed up in Revolutionary War attire with a few aides and rowed all night across the Great Lakes and down Michigan's rivers. The squad got lost a few times, ending up in Grand Rapids and then Detroit. "I could have sworn Detroit was the capital of Michigan," said Trump. "Oh well. Onward!" They finally ended up in Lansing, where they surrounded Governor Whitmer at the Capitol Building and forced her to surrender.
"Give the people seeds and ammo, or give them death!" Trump declared, holding his saber to Whitmer's throat.
"Oh, that's easy," Whitmer said. "Death."
"Oh," Trump said. "Err, uh, anyway, I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country!" He ordered his men to fire their muskets.
Unfortunately, Governor Whitmer was too quick and jumped out the window, where her husband was waiting in their luxury yacht on the back of a trailer. They sped off, trying to launch the boat before Whitmer's orders banning boating took effect.