NORTH KOREA—The world mourned another roadblock to progress this week as it was revealed that North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un was not dead. His sister, Kim Yo Jong, was slated to replace him upon his death, paving the way for murderous female dictators everywhere.
"The clock has been set back yet again," said feminist activist Claire Scholde. "North Korea was in the running to become a beacon of hope for women across the globe. Women could have looked at Kim Yo Jong and said 'look, a strong woman. She's like me. I can do that too. I can imprison people, torture my enemies, starve an entire country, tear apart families. Who can run the world's largest concentration camp? A woman can, that's who!'"
Scholde says the non-death of Kim Jong Un is just the patriarchy at work. "The greatest hindrance to feminine progress is men not dying. It's the epitome of sexism," Scholde added. "It just goes to show, Kim Jong Un is even more backward and regressive than his father and his father's father. At least they had the decency to die."
For the time being, North Korea will continue to be ruled over with an iron fist by Kim Jong Un, but hope remains that his sister could still replace him as soon as he dies of some other obesity-related disease because he is pretty, pretty fat.