WASHINGTON, D.C.—After Barack Obama endorsed Joe Biden this morning, a humbled, thankful Biden expressed his gratitude in a video of his own.
"I'm delighted to have the endorsement of my old friend, CornPop," he said as horrified aides attempted to cut off the footage. "You know, CornPop and me go way back. I used to work at the community pool. There were both poor kids and white kids, everyone getting along great. I was wearing a rubber chicken on my swim trunks, as was the style at the time. Sometimes the kids would run their fingers through my leg hair and I'd smack 'em with the rubber chicken and then they'd chase me and we'd all get pushed into the pool and really have a great laugh. It was around the summer of '42 I believe when CornPop came around -- a real bad dude. I filled my rubber chicken with some cocaine I'd confiscated from some of the kids and went over to talk to CornPop. He had brass knuckles and was ready to go to town. But I had a little talk with him. I said, 'Why can't we all just get along, man? Let's smoke some ganja and just take things down a notch, you know? You know, the funny thing about the ganja is we didn't realize until later that it wasn't even marijuana. It was just gravel. We were so high. People were always high back then."
This continued for some time.
Biden also praised "CornPop" as "clean and articulate."
"Anyway, it's great to have CornPop's endorsement, and I know that working together, we can build a stronger Canada."