U.S.—Move over, Bernie Sanders. There’s a new game in town offering free health care: white blood cells. And unlike other sorts of free health care, this one doesn’t cost countless trillions and won’t completely upend the economy.
“That’s right,” said a neutrocyte. “Viruses, parasites, trace amounts of peanuts -- we’ll go after it all. And it’s a free service, because we just love attacking things in your bloodstream!” White blood cells also claim they have no bureaucracy and no waiting.
Bernie Sanders was quick to denounce white blood cells. “No one is in control; you can’t trust them,” he said. “We can’t just have rogue leukocytes doing whatever they want. It all needs to be carefully regulated.”
Michael Snyder, a libertarian economist, also attacked some of white blood cells’ claims. “I just hate it when people use the word ‘free,’” Snyder said. “White blood cells need moisture and nutrients, and that means there’s a cost associated somewhere. Sure, it’s pretty trace compared to some of the 50 trillion dollar programs being proposed, but nothing is free. TANSTAAFL.”
White blood cells admit they can’t cure everything. When a lymphocyte was asked whether it’s prepared for the coronavirus, it responded, “Absolutely not.”