ANAHEIM, CA—Trump has been taking the coronavirus more and more seriously as it progresses, from shutting down all travel from China to declaring a national emergency and urging everyone to stay home.
But a new investigation has revealed the real reason behind the panic: Trump did it all so he could go to Disneyland and ride all the rides with no lines or crowds.
"Wheeee!!!" the president shouted, clapping with glee as the teacups spun around faster and faster. "Let's do it again!"
"Absolutely incredible -- nobody here at all!" he said triumphantly as he ate some orange cotton candy while walking through the empty line for the Matterhorn. "Best theme park, maybe ever. These guys know how to do it right. Hey, Mike, let's go over to California Adventure and ride the Incredicoaster after this. I can't get enough of that first drop -- tremendous!"
Trump was also seen going to movie theaters, shopping at Ikea, and riding all the rides at Knott's Berry Farm, all without any crowds or wait.
Fox News praised the move as "a masterstroke of 4D chess" while CNN immediately called for him to be impeached a second time.