WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democratic lawmakers are blocking the stimulus bill proposed in Congress, slamming their Republican colleagues for refusing to include reparations for transgender Native Americans affected by climate change.
"If we aren't handing billions of dollars to Native Americans with gender dysphoria displaced by our current climate emergency, then what are we even doing here?" shouted Chuck Schumer in a scathing speech outside the Capitol Building. "The American people are waiting for us to pass this bill, and the evil Republicans are stubbornly insisting we don't earmark billions for our transgender indigenous brothers and sisters and others."
The Democrats' version of the bill would set aside $500 billion to fund gender reassignment surgeries and reparations for any indigenous person who has been forced to move thanks to the climate emergency.
"Millions will die if we do not get this added to the bill," Nancy Pelosi warned gravely. "American families are hurting, yes, but they need to wait a while longer so we can get all our pet projects added to the bill."
More demands of the Democrats include the following:
- Funding for Cats 2
- Research into green, environmentally friendly moon power
- $50 million earmarked for research into USB cables that you can plug in correctly the first time
- Saving the endangered striped desert moose ant
- $100 million to bring back popular soda Tab
- A large supply of rainbow flags to have on hand just in case
- More butlers in the Capitol Building
- Funding for ten more seasons of RuPaul's Drag Race
- Free housing for undocumented Mexican spider monkeys
Republicans are not interested in adding these things to the proposal unless they get to add an equal amount of unnecessary pet spending.