CHARLESTON, SC—Joe Biden made the incredible claim at last night's debate that he is the last remaining survivor of gun violence on the earth.
"Tragically, 7,767,050,847 have been killed by gun violence in the last week alone, and I am the only one left," he said somberly, apparently oblivious to the living people all around him. "If anyone were left to hear me today, my message would be, 'Please, never again should we let billions be killed by guns.'"
"We must pass legislation to ensure that deadly, fully automatic blunderbusses and cannons be banned from our great land. Thank you, Mr. Cronkite."
Biden then asked for a moment to huff a few grams of Metamucil before he could continue.
"In conclusion, I'd like to thank the people of Nevada -- who are all dead -- for having me out today. It's a wonderful country," he added before turning and solemnly walking right off the end of the stage, suffering minor injuries.