DES MOINES, IA—Authorities are warning that a gang of known criminals is currently holding a meeting to debate various plots to steal your money.
The criminals are debating exactly how much of your money to steal. Some are suggesting stealing all of your money, while others would just like to steal most of your money. Whatever the case, they all agree on two things: A.) you have money and B.) it must be stolen.
"I know!" shouted one of the criminals, an older man with frizzy hair, known throughout the criminal underworld as a seasoned veteran when it comes to stealing people's money. "We could lower ourselves in through people's roofs and grab stuff like in that new movie the kids are talking about, Impossible Mission!"
"That movie is called Die Tough, you dummy," snapped one female gangster with the chiseled features of a Native American. "I think we should lie in wait in the bushes outside the mouth of a canyon in the American Southwest. Then, when the unsuspecting white man comes riding through on his horse or Tesla, we tomahawk 'em." She made a tomahawk gesture with her hand, only for another elderly man on the other side of her to grab her hand and begin sniffing it.
"Stealing money is an American pastime," he said as the frightened woman pulled her hand away. "Back in the '20s, Hotbox Nixon and Tommy-Gun Joe and I used to go driving around, taking down no-good ne'er-do-wells with our Tommy guns. Pow! Bang! Rat-a-tat-tat!"
"What were we talking about again?" he asked, snapping out of a daydream and realizing he'd been addressing a blank wall the entire time.
These goofy criminals may seem like characters out of a family-friendly screwball comedy, but authorities have warned that their plans to steal your money are very, very real.