It’s become vogue on the right to trash electric vehicles. And, mostly, we’re right to. Most of them are garbage retrofits that rely on a garbage network of chargers which are made by garbage ICE (Internal Combustion Engine) manufacturers who have absolutely no idea what they are doing. What they are manufacturing is virtue-signaling, not cars with anything even remotely resembling good EV—or any other type of—engineering.
And then there’s Tesla.
There are EVs, and there are Teslas. And though they are both clearly electric cars, they are two completely different animals. This article aims to give you a permanent mental “ka-chunk” when you think about EVs in general and Teslas in particular because they absolutely, positively should not be grouped together.
I’ve found it most helpful to analogize them this way: think of the entire ecosystem of PC computers and then think of Apple computers. Yes, they are the same in that they are both computers made up of software + hardware, but we all know they are very different animals for a variety of reasons. The most salient difference between them, for the purposes of our discussion, is that Apple manufactures its software + hardware under the same roof, from the ground up, to work together and work in harmony. This is why Apple users are so cult-like: their products, made as they are, are extremely stable. In short, they just work.
It's different with PCs, which have operating systems, software, and hardware all from different places. The hardware is manufactured by dozens of different companies (HP, Samsung, Toshiba, Sony, etc.), on which the Microsoft Windows operating system is loaded, on which a thousand different pieces of Windows-compatible software from a thousand different manufacturers are loaded. Of course, your PC breaks down every five minutes. How could it not?
Well, Tesla manufactures its cars like Apple manufactures its computers; holistically, from the ground up, software + hardware, with the single purpose of making one “organism,” in this case a car, a Tesla car, in which both the software + hardware work in harmony. They do this, importantly, in factories built to do nothing but build these rolling synergies of software + hardware. No other car company, EV or ICE, can claim the same thing.
And that’s why Tesla owners are as cult-like as Apple computer owners.
They just work.
So, what’s it like? Getting in a Tesla for the first time? Well, let me just pause you a moment for this thought. You know how it is—you buy something, not even necessarily a car, just anything, and you go to use it, and you think, “Did any actual humans test this before it went to market, or nah?” How many times, right?
Not so with a Tesla. Everyone knows how to use a touchscreen, right? Well, then, you can drive a Tesla. The way I most often describe driving my car when people ask me about it is that it is like driving a big, very zippy iPad. It’s (alarmingly!) fast and extremely intuitive. In fact, you’ve likely never experienced anything quite like it, and your going away impression will likely be, “How come every car isn’t designed like this? It’s so powerful, so human friendly.”There are no physical keys. Your phone, which you have with you all the time anyway, is your car “key.” And you simply assign drivers, like your spouse, to have access to it via the Tesla app they load on their phone. Easy-peasy. This works great for shopping situations we’ve all been in.
How many times have you said to your spouse, while he or she is shopping, “You take your time. I’ll go wait in the car,” then you walk all the way to the car and realize you forgot to ask for the keys? This is no longer a problem with Tesla because you each always have your own key on your phone. (And if you’ve forgotten where you parked, the app will show you the location of your car.)
Tesla is also pet-friendly! Did you know it has a dog mode? You can leave your dog in heated or air-conditioned comfort, and the big display screen in the front lets passers-by know your pup is safe and comfortable. You can even check on your dog remotely via the interior camera view on your cell phone app and talk to your dog via the car’s interior speakers. (Note: You can’t see it in the still picture but the balloon dog on the screen moves and wags his tail. It’s very cute.)
Now for the meat and potatoes: There are no oil changes or engine parts that need regular maintenance, repair, or replacing. Trips to the auto mechanic, along with their unwelcome, often prohibitive bills, have been—now over two years into our ownership—zero. And that doesn’t even count all the money we’ve saved on gas! And speaking of gas, consider that every time you leave your garage, you have a “full tank” of “gas.” That’s the beauty of having a car that runs on battery power. Your “gas” station is your garage.
Now, EVs, Tesla or not, are not meant for everyone, and it’s ok to admit that. The one thing EVs and Teslas share is that they really, really hate the cold. Range goes down dramatically when it’s dramatically cold. You also may not be able to garage or charge your Tesla at your residence. If you can’t plug in at home, any battery-operated car is a bad choice. You simply must be able to charge at home; there’s no way around it.
If the cold and home-charging aren’t barriers for you, the simple act of buying one is insanely easy. You do it all through the Tesla app, and the cars cost what they cost. There’s no tedious back and forth with a car salesman or hours doing paperwork at the dealership.
Absolutely everything is done via the app, whether it’s uploading your ID, insurance, applying for financing, or anything else. The app walks you right through what you need to do, and it even keeps you up to date on the manufacturing of your car! Tesla then texts you when it’s ready, and you go to the dealership and pick it up.
When we picked up our Tesla, it took maybe ten minutes, and we were off. When have you ever driven off the lot with a car in ten minutes, ever? They have someone there to make sure you’re comfortable with all the features before you drive away, and it’s just that quick and effortless. You kinda can’t believe it when you do it, but it really is that easy!
Just like you kinda can’t believe how easy it is—and how satisfying and fun it is—to drive it. Or how safe it is. Or how well and powerfully everything works. Go ahead and count me in as a member of both cults: Apple and Tesla. I make no apologies!
