My 19-almost-20-year-old son is a good kid. He’s kind, intelligent, hard-working, responsible, and has a crap-ton of empathy that he clearly got entirely from his mother. Sadly, that empathy can be a double-edged sword, especially when it comes to shaping a young person’s political views. I probably should have seen it coming, but I didn’t. In the transition from middle-school to high school, he went from an athlete who wore a camo-cap, hunted with his grandpa, and agreed with me and his mom on pretty-much everything to a left-leaning, long-haired musician-type who seemingly wanted to debate every word that came out of my mouth.
I’ll never forget him sitting in our living room in 2020 trying to explain his newfound knowledge about how socialism could be the answer to all of society’s ills. I truly thought aliens had captured our son and replaced him with some sort of AI-powered cyborg. It was surreal. I also particularly remember one quite heated argument in our van when, during the height of Covid, he tried to make the case that masks ‘work.’ To ME. I’m ashamed to admit I lost my temper on that one. To say I felt like a failure, especially as a conservative writer and columnist who supplements my income by spouting opinions that at least a few other people outside my family and friends take seriously, is an understatement. It felt like a personal affront.
But, after the initial shock wore off and the dust settled, I realized that he was still the same good kid he always was. I also often thought of the old saying, “If you're not liberal when you're young, you don't have a heart; if you're not conservative when you're old, you don't have a brain,” and decided to TRY to take the whole thing in stride. He did have his mother’s heart, even if misguided. But, I wasn’t about to give up. And if you are in this predicament as a parent, neither should you.
Here are a few lessons I’ve learned along the way about parenting a child who doesn’t agree with you politically. Some of these have been easy, some have been much harder. Some have been works in progress that I forget, then remember again the hard way. All have been important.
Family comes first
The left gets this wrong so much, but we conservatives shouldn’t. No matter what my children and I disagree on, we will always be family. I will always be their dad and they will always be my son and daughters (yeah, we have three of those, God help us). Nothing will ever change that, and my love for them isn’t conditional on what they believe. They need to know this without question.
Maintain the relationship
Beyond just love, it’s important to maintain a relationship with our kids that transcends politics, religion, or any other element we may disagree on over the years. Take vacations together. Go fishing. Watch and talk sports. Have family dinner. They need to feel safe and accepted when they’re with their parents, even if their parents think some of their views are completely absurd.
I do feel like I did well making these first two factors clear from the beginning, and I know my son feels it. It has made for a solid foundation for any discussion, no matter the subject.
Choose your battles
At first, I wanted to ‘discuss’ (well, argue) all the time. It got under my craw that he couldn’t see obvious truths, and I thought if I hammered him enough he’d eventually see the light. Needless to say, that was a horrible strategy, just as any approach steeped in frustration is bound to be. I learned to pick my battles and not make every interaction with him a chance to get a jab in. That eased the tension and allowed for less frustration and more productive discussions when we did have them.
Stay calm
This should go without saying, but for some people (me!) it’s harder than it seems. What may seem obvious to us, through decades of wisdom and experience, isn’t always so obvious to young, idealistic teenagers. When discussing things, it’s important to maintain composure and, if we feel like we’re losing our composure, to disengage and live to fight another day. Remember, no argument should never get in the way of the relationship.
Tone down the rhetoric
This is as much for myself as anyone else, but it's important to remember that X isn't real life. It's easy to toss around words like sh*tlib, libtard, and other derogatory names online when referring to and combating anonymous political enemies, but when it's our own family it's important to not just maintain composure, but be polite. Don't say anything you have to take back.
Be prepared
Your kids will challenge you in ways other people won't, precisely because they're your kids. They know - or will find - the weaknesses in your arguments like nobody else, and they will press them until it hurts. Know your stuff, and if you don't know your stuff, avoid the subject until you do.
Focus on common ground and build from there
Especially given the massive political realignment that has come with Donald Trump getting reelected with the help of the likes of Robert F. Kennedy, Joe Rogan, and Tulsi Gabbard (all people who my son respects, by the way), there are plenty of opportunities to find common ground with young left-leaning people who just want to make the world a better place.
There’s a reason, after all, that most of the billionaire-class supported Kamala Harris. There’s also a reason Democrats have become the War Party and Republicans under Trump have abandoned the neocons in favor of non-interventionism.
There are countless opportunities to do this, depending on your situation. Look for them. One recent example for me was all of us listening to Rogan interview Rod Blagojevich on a family trip. We each found more agreement than disagreement throughout the interesting and entertaining discussion between two former leftists who both, for different yet similar reasons, came to support Donald Trump.
Acknowledge their good points
When arguing with anyone, it’s much more effective to acknowledge when a good point is made than to ignore or dismiss it. It shows good faith and intellectual honesty, and it will make it easier for them to acknowledge your good points when you make them. My son is super smart, and over the years as we’ve explored subjects I’ve learned a lot from him just as I hope he’s learned from me. I can honestly say that having open dialogue with him has made me better informed and more well-rounded as a writer and thinker. Rather than merely towing the ‘party line,’ I now take things issue by issue and on some issues I may even agree more with the ‘left’ than the traditional, pre-realignment right.
Bribe them
I write that tongue-in-cheek, of course. But if you want your kid to read a book, watch a movie, or listen to a podcast they wouldn’t otherwise listen to, offer them a reward that’ll make them want to do so. You’ll want to use this sparingly, but it can help for certain issues and certain situations depending on your child. I remember doing this with Bret Baier’s socialism series and “What is a Woman” by Matt Walsh, shows he wouldn’t have watched otherwise.
Be patient
Change, especially when it comes to worldview, is incremental, if it happens at all. We have had some great discussions over the past few years that have changed both of us and brought us closer together. I’ve even come to enjoy having him and his approach as a sounding board for topics I might not understand completely. I’ve also seen him come around, albeit slowly, on some issues. For example, his ‘gap’ year of working in the restaurant industry before college seemed to do a lot to teach him that not everyone is capable of equal outcomes. To put it mildly, he is no longer a socialist.
Oh, and he no longer thinks masks or the jab ‘worked’ to stop or even hinder Covid, so I guess I’ll let him live.
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